Living with Fibromyalgia plus Alexithymia

“I will keep constant watch over myself and—most usefully—will put each day up for review. For this is what makes us evil—that none of us looks back upon our own lives. We reflect upon only that which we are about to do. And yet our plans for the future descend from the past.”  —SENECA, MORAL LETTERS, 83.2 Today was a difficult day. My wife woke up in discomfort, a stark reminder of the stress I've been carrying. My mother's declining health has cast a long shadow over our lives, leaving me feeling withdrawn and distant. I'm struggling to balance my duty to care for my mother with my responsibility to my wife, and the weight of it all feels overwhelming. Watching a beloved parent deteriorate is an agonizing experience. My mother, a woman of incredible strength, is facing her own mortality with a courage that both inspires and terrifies me. She yearns for autonomy, for the freedom to live out the remainder of her life on her own terms. Yet, the thought of losing her control ...

“Ask yourself the following first thing in the morning: What am I lacking in attaining freedom from passion? What for tranquility? What am I? A mere body, estate-holder, or reputation? None of these things. What, then? A rational being. What then is demanded of me? Meditate on your actions. How did I steer away from serenity? What did I do that was unfriendly, unsocial, or uncaring? What did I fail to do in all these things?”  —EPICTETUS, DISCOURSES, 4.6.34–35 My mother's recent health decline has been a significant source of stress. Witnessing her confusion, memory lapses, and the recent fall that left her with a black eye and potentially bruised ribs has stirred a range of emotions within me – fear, frustration, and a deep sense of helplessness. Epictetus encourages us to examine our passions. Am I allowing fear of the unknown or the grief of potential loss to consume me? How can I cultivate tranquility in the face of these challenges? Can I find peace in accepting the present mo...

“Your principles can’t be extinguished unless you snuff out the thoughts that feed them, for it’s continually in your power to reignite new ones. . . . It’s possible to start living again! See things anew as you once did—that is how to restart life!” —MARCUS AURELIUS, MEDITATIONS, 7.2 Life with fibromyalgia has thrown me many curveballs. The chronic pain, fatigue, and cognitive difficulties can often feel overwhelming, leaving me feeling lost and adrift. But amidst the challenges, I've rediscovered a powerful truth: learning and helping others are the cornerstones of a meaningful life. This realization harkens back to my childhood. I've always found joy in understanding things deeply, whether it was deciphering complex math problems for my classmates or diving headfirst into the world of technology to support others online. Even in the face of debilitating illness, I refuse to let my thirst for knowledge and desire to contribute fade. My journey with fibromyalgia has presented ...

“A podium and a prison is each a place, one high and the other low, but in either place your freedom of choice can be maintained if you so wish.”   —EPICTETUS, DISCOURSES, 2.6.2 Living with fibromyalgia is a constant negotiation. Every day, I face a barrage of sensations – a dull ache that throbs like a distant drum, a hypersensitivity to touch that makes even the lightest touch feel like a burning ember. When I've navigated a long day, juggling chores and responsibilities, the weight of the pain presses down, and my patience, already frayed, snaps. Unfortunately, alexithymia shrouds my emotions in a fog. I often don't recognize when my words are sharp, my tone curt, leaving a trail of hurt feelings in my wake. It's like trying to navigate a crowded room while wearing a blindfold – I bump into people, unintentionally causing upset. Daily, I don the mask of resilience, striving to fulfill my obligations. I navigate my responsibilities, ever mindful that each individual I enc...