THE DAY IN REVIEW

“I will keep constant watch over myself and—most usefully—will put each day up for review. For this is what makes us evil—that none of us looks back upon our own lives. We reflect upon only that which we are about to do. And yet our plans for the future descend from the past.” 

—SENECA, MORAL LETTERS, 83.2

Today was a difficult day. My wife woke up in discomfort, a stark reminder of the stress I've been carrying. My mother's declining health has cast a long shadow over our lives, leaving me feeling withdrawn and distant. I'm struggling to balance my duty to care for my mother with my responsibility to my wife, and the weight of it all feels overwhelming.

Watching a beloved parent deteriorate is an agonizing experience. My mother, a woman of incredible strength, is facing her own mortality with a courage that both inspires and terrifies me. She yearns for autonomy, for the freedom to live out the remainder of her life on her own terms. Yet, the thought of losing her control is unbearable. I find myself caught in a painful paradox: I desperately want to protect her, yet I must respect her desire for independence.

My preoccupation with my mother's health has inevitably taken a toll on my marriage. My wife, who has been incredibly supportive throughout this challenging period, is suffering from the strain. Her own health has been impacted by the stress, creating a ripple effect of pain and anxiety. I feel guilty for neglecting her needs, for prioritizing my mother's situation above our own well-being.

This experience has forced me to confront some difficult truths about grief and loss. It's a reminder that grief can manifest in unexpected ways, even when the loss has not yet occurred. I must acknowledge and process these emotions, even if it feels uncomfortable.

I need to prioritize open and honest communication with my wife. I need to explain the depth of my grief and the impact it's having on me. I need to actively listen to her concerns and make a conscious effort to reconnect.

I also need to find healthy ways to cope with the stress. This may involve seeking professional support from a therapist or counselor, engaging in self-care practices like exercise and meditation, and setting healthy boundaries with my mother while respecting her wishes.

This is a difficult journey, and there are no easy answers. But by acknowledging my emotions, prioritizing my relationships, and seeking support, I hope to navigate this challenging period with more grace and compassion. I hope this reflection resonates with others who are facing similar challenges.