PEACE IS IN STAYING THE COURSE

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“Tranquility can’t be grasped except by those who have reached an unwavering and firm power of judgment—the rest constantly fall and rise in their decisions, wavering in a state of alternately rejecting and accepting things. What is the cause of this back and forth? It’s because nothing is clear and they rely on the most uncertain guide—common opinion.”
—SENECA, MORAL LETTERS, 95.57b–58a

Finding inner peace isn't easy. It requires a strong and consistent inner compass – the ability to make clear, unwavering decisions.

Most people, however, are constantly tossed around like boats in a storm. They change their minds all the time, swayed by the opinions of others instead of relying on their own solid judgment. This constant shifting leads to inner turmoil and prevents them from finding true tranquility.

Fibromyalgia presents a unique set of challenges. Every day brings a new set of symptoms. One morning I might wake up feeling extra cold, while the next day I could be overheating. There's no telling what kind of situation I'll find myself in. When I get sick, my symptoms can become extreme.

Just this morning, I woke up feeling unusually cold. The temperature setting on my thermostat hadn't changed, and my sleeping environment was the same, except I forgot to turn on my fan last night. Yet, I still felt cold. Yesterday morning, my fan was on, and I was still overheating.

I haven't been able to figure out any correlation or reason for these fluctuations yet. This unpredictability can be frustrating. However, I am learning to accept that these fluctuations are a part of my condition.

My wife often comments that I radiate heat at night and that I'm usually too warm to cuddle with for very long.

I'll admit that I don't like the cold. I tend to feel that I'd rather sweat to death than freeze. Perhaps that's why I'm so sensitive to the cold and my symptoms worsen whenever I start to feel a chill. There have been times in the past when I've developed hives from being out in the cold. However, I've never been able to intentionally replicate this situation.

With everything in mind regarding my conditions, I strive to maintain a clear perspective. I acknowledge that these conditions are not something I caused. They are beyond my immediate control.

While alexithymia presents challenges, it doesn't inherently prevent me from working. However, fibromyalgia has significantly impacted my ability to maintain employment. If I could effectively manage my pain, I might be able to hold a job. But as it stands, this is a current limitation beyond my immediate control.

I am working towards accepting this reality, even though it's difficult to admit. My conditions currently prevent me from maintaining regular employment. However, I will not allow this to define me. I will continue to find meaning and purpose in other areas of my life.


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